W's on First? /3

W's on First? /3

Ho trovato questa variazione in rete. Pare che sia comparsa per la prima volta su Internet nell'ottobre 2003. Non ne conosco l'autore.

Dealer: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
Customer: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
Dealer: Mac?
Customer: No, the name's Lou.
Dealer: Your computer?
Customer: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
Dealer: Mac?
Customer: I told you, my name's Lou.
Dealer: What about Windows?
Customer: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
Dealer: Do you want a computer with windows?
Customer: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
Dealer: Wallpaper.
Customer: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
Dealer: Software for windows?
Customer: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
Dealer: Office.
Customer: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
Dealer: I just did.
Customer: You just did what?
Dealer: Recommend something.
Customer: You recommended something?
Dealer: Yes.
Customer: For my office?
Dealer: Yes.
Customer: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
Dealer: Office.
Customer: Yes, for my office!
Dealer: I recommend Office with Windows.
Customer: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
Dealer: Word.
Customer: What word?
Dealer: Word in Office.
Customer: The only word in office is office.
Dealer: The Word in Office for Windows.
Customer: Which word in office for windows?
Dealer: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
Customer: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
Dealer: Yes, you want Real One.
Customer: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
Dealer: Real One.
Customer: If its a long movie I also want to see reel 2,3&4. Can I watch them?
Dealer: Of course.
Customer: Great, with what?
Dealer: Real One.
Customer: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
Dealer: You click the blue "1."
Customer: I click the blue one what?
Dealer: The blue "1."
Customer: Is that different from the blue w?
Dealer: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
Customer: What word?
Dealer: The Word in Office for Windows.
Customer: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
Dealer: No, just one. but its the most popular Word in the world.
Customer: It is?
Dealer: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
Customer: And that word is real one?
Dealer: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
Customer: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
Dealer: Money.
Customer: That's right. What do you have?
Dealer: Money.
Customer: I need money to track my money?
Dealer: It comes bundled with your computer.
Customer: What's bundled to my computer?
Dealer: Money.
Customer: Money comes with my computer?
Dealer: Yes. No extra charge.
Customer: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
Dealer: One copy.
Customer: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
Dealer: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
Customer: They can give you a license to copy money?
Dealer: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(later)
Customer: How do I turn my computer off??
Dealer: Click on "START"..........

Hu's on First? /2

Hu's on First? /2

Questa variazione al dialogo precedente, che ho ricevuto come foreward tempo fa, e' stata scritta dal comico James Sherman, appena dopo l'annuncio che il Partito Comunista Cinese aveva scelto il Vicepresidente Hu Jintao come suo nuovo segretario generale, poi pubblicata sul Washington Times, il 22 novembre 2002. Secondo me e' divertentissima, e oltretutto si prende gioco dell'"intelligenza" di Bush e della sua degna compare Condoleezza Rice. Il che mi diverte ancora di piu'.

(We take you now to the Oval Office where George W. is meeting with Condoleezza Rice)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser? Yasser Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yasser?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the secretary-general of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yasser! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N.?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Who's on First? /1

Who's on First? /1

Who's on First e' un divertissement popolare che risale ai primi anni '30. E' stato poi reso famoso dalla coppia di comici Abbott e Costello, che ne hanno fatto il loro cavallo di battaglia.
E' una catena di infiniti giochi di parole e malintesi tra i due protagonisti, ed e' veramente divertente. Il pezzo e' stato ripreso in diverse occasioni. In particolare ricordo il riferimento ad esso nel film Rain Man
Purtroppo e' praticamente intraducibile in italiano. Per chi non capisce l'inglese, potrebbe essere un buon motivo per impararlo (eheheh).
Ma ecco qui la versione integrale:

Abbott: Alright, now whaddya want?
Costello: Now look, I'm the head of the sports department. I gotta know the baseball players' names. Do you know the guys' names?
Abbott: Oh sure.
Costello: So you go ahead and tell me some of their names.
Abbott: Well, I'll introduce you to the boys. You know sometimes nowadays they give ballplayers peculiar names.
Costello: You mean funny names.
Abbott: Nicknames, pet names, like Dizzy Dean -
Costello: His brother Daffy -
Abbott: Daffy Dean -
Costello: And their cousin!
Abbott: Who's that?
Costello: Goofy!
Abbott: Goofy, huh? Now let's see. We have on the bags - we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
Costello: That's what I wanna find out.
Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third -
Costello: You know the fellows' names?
Abbott: Certainly!
Costello: Well then who's on first?
Abbott: Yes!
Costello: I mean the fellow's name!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy on first!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The first baseman!
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The guy playing first!
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: Now whaddya askin' me for?
Abbott: I'm telling you Who is on first.
Costello: Well, I'm asking YOU who's on first!
Abbott: That's the man's name.
Costello: That's who's name?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
Abbott: Who.
Costello: The guy on first.
Abbott: Who!
Costello: The first baseman.
Abbott: Who is on first!
Costello: Have you got a contract with the first baseman?
Abbott: Absolutely.
Costello: Who signs the contract?
Abbott: Well, naturally!
Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
Abbott: Every dollar. Why not? The man's entitled to it.
Costello: Who is?
Abbott: Yes. Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Costello: Who's wife?
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: All I'm tryin' to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.
Abbott: Oh, no - wait a minute, don't switch 'em around. What is on second base.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who is on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third - now we're not talkin' 'bout him.
Costello: Now, how did I get on third base?
Abbott: You mentioned his name!
Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Abbott: No - Who's playing first.
Costello: Never mind first - I wanna know what's the guy's name on third.
Abbott: No - What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott: He's on third.
Costello: Aaah! Would you please stay on third base and don't go off it?
Abbott: What was it you wanted?
Costello: Now who's playin' third base?
Abbott: Now why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
Costello: Why? Who am I putting over there?
Abbott: Yes. But we don't want him there.
Costello: What's the guy's name on third base?
Abbott: What belongs on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got an outfield?
Abbott: Oh yes!
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask you.
Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Costello: Alright, then tell me who's playin' left field.
Abbott: Who is playing fir-
Costello: STAY OUTTA THE INFIELD! I wanna know what's the left fielder's name.
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I'm not askin' you who's on second.
Abbott: Who's on first.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: The left fielder's name?
Abbott: Why.
Costello: Because!
Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
Costello: Look, you gotta pitcher on this team?
Abbott: Now wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Costello: The pitcher's name.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: You don't wanna tell me today?
Abbott: I'm tellin' you now.
Costello: Then go ahead.
Abbott: Tomorrow.
Costello: What time?
Abbott: What time what?
Costello: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who's pitching?
Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching. Who is on fir-
Costello: I'll break your arm if you say Who's on first. I wanna know what's the pitcher's name.
Abbott: What's on second.
Costello: I don't know.
Abbott & Costello: THIRD BASE!
Costello: You got a catcher?
Abbott: Oh, absolutely.
Costello: The catcher's name.
Abbott: Today.
Costello: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
Abbott: Now you've got it.
Costello: All we've got is a couple of days on the team.
Abbott: Well, I can't help that.
Costello: Well, I'm a catcher too.
Abbott: I know that.
Costello: Now suppose that I'm catching, Tomorrow's pitching on my team and their heavy hitter gets up.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Tomorrow throws the ball. The batter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me being a good catcher, I wanna throw the guy out at first base. So I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Costello: I don't even know what I'm talkin' about!
Abbott: Well, that's all you have to do.
Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Now who's got it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: If I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta catch it. Now who caught it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Who caught it?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Who?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: NO, NO, NO! You throw the ball to first base and Who gets it?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's right. There we go.
Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
Abbott: You don't!
Costello: I throw it to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
Abbott: You're not saying it that way.
Costello: I said I throw the ball to Naturally.
Abbott: You don't - you throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally!
Abbott: Well, say that!
Costello: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING! I throw the ball to who?
Abbott: Naturally.
Costello: Ask me.
Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
Costello: Naturally.
Abbott: That's it.
Costello: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the ball to first base and who gets it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: Who has it?
Abbott: Naturally!
Costello: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the ball to first base. Whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second. Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - triple play.
Abbott: Yes.
Costello: Another guy gets up - it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third and I don't give a darn!
Abbott: What was that?
Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.